Work on yourself for yourself

I noticed that I said exactly that sentence so many times this week, that I decided naming this post by it. Easily said, right... Indeed, it takes a lot of time, but results are not temporary as that toxic boyfriend/girlfriend of yours. Jokes aside, but when you learn how to love and respect yourself, you will feel that you need to move from all negativity, bad energy and vibes. You will not be able to love someone who’s not treating you how you should be treated. Not talking only about manipulative relationships with your partner, but with your friends or family members. You will appreciate your energy more, when you get to know how much does it take to recharge it, and once you do it correctly, how difficult it is to destroy your good mood when dealing with someone’s bad energy.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to see and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it” – Rumi

First step into this is actually being kind to yourself. All that hard emotions and experiences that came to your life since you came into this body are buried inside of you. You never actually took them out and dealt with them. They are stopping you to feel love towards yourself. They became emotional scars. Learn how to accept them, don’t be like people who caused them, hard on yourself. Focus on everything positive about you. Experience self-love through meditation, maybe even saying to yourself out loud everything positive that you see on yourself. You may be a good person, but often tested in your life path, that’s not unusual, but make yourself aware of everything good about you. Forget about every person who made you feel unloved, unimportant, uncomfortable, every person who hurt you and caused those emotional scars. I understand that KARMA is a bitch, alright, BUT, once you realize that their behavior is something that doesn’t even have anything to do with you, but that’s representation of how they feel inside- about themselves, you will feel that grace and peace. Do you think you are able to love someone, if you don’t love yourself first? You do? That’s how you attracted that fuckboy in your life, or, that’s how your girl ended up cheating. Start from yourself- do you have respect towards people who don’t respect themselves? Now tell me, do you think you should be with the person who hides their phone from you, or you are afraid to take it because you know how it will end up. Been there, done that, if your answer is still no, continue with your reading.
After you find a way how to love and appreciate yourself, remember to be grateful, every day show gratitude for everything you have or you have experienced. Imagine, waking up to just very few things you were grateful for, the day before. If you keep forgetting, remember that that what you have is someone’s dream, that food on your table, that clothes you are wearing, that phone or shoes. Be grateful and show that gratitude, every day!
Once you start doing this, your blessings will increase, but not only that, you will actually realize how blessed you already are.
Do good to others. When it comes to that, don’t expect anything in return. Btw, karma works both ways, but also when you’re being kind, considerate, compassionate, your soul will rejoice. You don’t need just to give something material, this is not what I am talking about, imagine yourself on a date, and your partner/date is treating waiter badly. Would you like that? This says a lot about that person, our job doesn’t make us who we are, before everything we are human beings, so your date is humiliating another human being this way which means he lacks compassion and consideration. How we treat others is actually saying a lot about us.
Next thing that I would like to mention is – enjoy your time alone, no matter if it’s just 20 minutes daily. Recharge your batteries. Meditate, pray, listen to the music, do whatever feeds your soul. If you have time, 20 minutes is enough, per day, I believe, if you don’t, then nothing less then 1 hour! Yes, I didn’t make mistake. This is, especially, for people who don’t like being by themselves. If you don’t enjoy your own company, how can someone else? Learn how to be comfortable with yourself first.
I know, the best thing is to be low-key while working on something, but celebrate your accomplishments! YOU DID IT! Celebrate it, this is something you did for yourself and you should be proud of it! Even if it’s just small thing, it reinforces our acknowledgement and integration of our positive qualities.
Be careful with whom you spend your time and energy, this becomes reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Release all toxicity and negativity and bring to your life people who will make you feel good about yourself, who will help you grow, who will be happy because you are achieving something.
Allow yourself to say ‘no’ when needed. If you don’t feel like doing something, don’t. Don’t waste your time and energy to please someone if that doesn’t feel like something you would normally do. Energy vampires are toxic and manipulative people you need to release.
My next post, the one I’m working on, actually, for a while is on this topic. In a meantime, to learn how they are doing it, you need to educate yourself little bit more on topic of manipulation, toxic relationships, gaslighting, and you will see how you end up feeling so emotionally or even physically drained after hanging out with some people.
If you are waiting for someone to give you attention, to love you, to text you, to take you out, you are doing it wrong. Respond is easy: if they don’t, they don’t want to. So instead of worrying, creating stupid scenarios in your head, use that time to learn how to love yourself. They are removed from your life for higher purpose. Something better is coming. Universe has your back, you just need to control your mind. Don’t think negative about yourself, find every single little thing that you can love. Change your mind and everything else will come with it. Suddenly, you will want to workout, to read that book, to watch that movie, to change your eating habits. Trust me, it all starts with you, and once you are awake, you realize that your mind is such a beautiful, powerful thing. Unblock your chakras and see your higher self, you will never be able to forget it, and good things will come your way more often.
Negative thinking is attracting negativity in your life, one more reason to stop overthinking everything.

Well, this is my usual time for signing off, I guess, so I will see you soon.
If you can imagine it, you can do it.
Bonus tip– to make it more interesting- take a sip of something every time you see “you” or “yourself”, I bet you will be hydrated (or drunk) when you reach this sentence.
See you soon,
RetroGirl 🙂

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Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody

Hello again, my retrogirls,

It’s been a while, I know, but the thing is, if you checked my blog now, you can see that I decided to make some changes, and eventually I had to delete a lot of my previous posts, because I wanted to include or mention them in my book. So, even though it’s been 4-5 years now since I started this blog, you won’t be able to find all my old posts there, anymore, unfortunately. This time I will include love in my post, but different kind of love. Love towards people around us. I hope that this time will be more of my readers who are actually done dealing with toxic persons, and later on, we will mention them again, maybe even in my next post. If you don’t know what I am talking about check one of my previous posts https://retrogirl640.wordpress.com/2020/02/21/freedom-from-tr/ or long story- short: RUN from that person. Corona extended her stay here, I am referring to it as a female, since all catastrophic events got female names, so, why not even Corona, BUT it brought all bad things with it, and one of the topics I will cover today is something that too many people is dealing with, and that is- depression.

It is not that depression didn’t exist before, but not as much as nowadays, and it was never ignored as much as now. Depression is characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities. When someone tells you that they are depressed, don’t ask why, but tell them everyday that you love them and that you care about them. World became so violent. When I say violent, I don’t necessarily think of physical force, also natural destructive force, like mental/emotional abuse or any other kind of abuse, because nowadays it is cool to be rude, mean and offensive.

Start from yourself, your mood is changing daily, maybe even more often, you are going through your own battles everyday, so as everyone else. People have tendency to think that no one have bigger problems, but they do. Every problem has their own weight and yours won’t be less heavy if you mistreat someone else. In terms of relationships, you had a heartbreak and you become emotionless, you believe that you are lit now because of it? No, this is not your strength, that is your weakness. Strength is to show emotions again, even if they were not appreciated previously. Strength is believing that you have power to raise again after being down. Being cold means walking down and being satisfied with it. In terms of life in general, how many suicides nowadays? How many sad people? How many good pictures on instagram hiding reality? How many parties just enjoyed on stories? How many comparations between people? Why so much dissatisfaction? Bipolar disorders?
Unfortunately, we became so materialistic, this is our reality now. Let’s not lie to ourselves, material goods we need for surviving, that’s normal, but we are too focused on it, we don’t care too much about anything else. Until one moment, when you see someone close to you sick or dead, then we lie to ourselves that health is most important thing for few days, and then we go back to our daily marathon for material pleasure.” Materialism is a form of philosophical monism that holds that matter is the fundamental substance in nature, and that all things, including mental states and consciousness, are results of material interactions.”
That sentence that you can find in almost every post of mine is “God will not give you more than you can handle.” and I firmly believe that, BUT not everyone is born with strong character/personality to know how to deal with any situation that occurs in life. That’s why we have family, friends, even organizations that take care of people with labile mentality. Talk to your parents, talk to friends, to your boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, be present, let’s stop this selfishness for a while, and become more aware of what’s happening around us. Let’s make those around us talk more about what’s happening, what bothers whom, it won’t happen every time that you will have something to say, but at least you can ease someone’s conscious by just listening to them.
Are you aware by kicking someone while they’re down, or ignoring the fact that you can do something and you don’t means that your emotional intelligence is not developed and you have no empathy which can lead to more serious mental issues- like becoming a psychopath, killer, or any other heavy mental disorder?

For any change in the World, we got to start from ourselves, be kind and talk, talk, talk with people around you. Our physical appearance is something that will disappear with our age, but our inner beauty will be there. Let’s take care of that. We can do a lot by just being kind. We can change mindset of people around us. If you want to know more about emotional intelligence, feel free to email me (in contact form listed below) and I will send you some books in PDF form, let’s work on ourselves for ourselves and people around us.
Let’s stop this agony and let’s be remembered by good.
My ladies, you know that elegance is not being noticed, it is being remembered.

Have a pleasant evening,
RetroGirl.

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Be Aware

After listening to my friend this evening- going through one of zillion nervous break-downs because of a same guy, I started realizing we all been through those because of the same guy. But her tone gave me a feeling she got tired. It wasn’t as usual “I hate him!” -screaming, it was a calm voice that said “I am finally done with this, I am ready to move on.”.
This was my topic on my previous post https://retrogirl640.wordpress.com/2020/02/21/freedom-from-tr/ .

I found this amazing app named “Headway” that gives you audio and books for reading. Amazing thing. One of headlines was “Power of the pussy”. Pretty simple book that can awake your deepest thoughts that you may didn’t even consider, because now you think that all you need is love, and love will fix everything. And three months later you hear your love is screwing someone else, not because she’s better, but because he was available. Why don’t you take a time, my dear lady, to think about why so many books are written on women behavior, teaching her to act like a lady and think like a man?
There are charts and articles like “Books that can change your dating life” and it includes books like: Why men loves bitches, How to get a man, The manual, Act like a lady but think like a man. Does that ring a bell? They are all addressed to woman.
Men are simple. They won’t google or read a book how to get a woman. They will try to get it one, two, three times and while they’re trying they will fuck some other because they can. What do I mean by that? We aren’t quantum physic, they already know that there is always one “good girl” who they can screw up with just simple meaningless “I need you in my life” and she’s there. She’s there while he’s trying to put high scores in some other games. So, let’s get back to books.
We are all familiar with woman behavior when she’s in love, and all those books are giving you insights on how you could actually enjoy your life even if you’re not loved back.
If you are the good girl who is waiting her man always and looking after him, and always there for him, even after so many breakups and breakdowns, you will eventually reach this phase that my friend had earlier, to simply cut it off. That’s hardest way, to learn based on your own mistakes. So, if there is simple way why would you lose your time, nerves and health trying to teach someone to love you back as you love.
I personally measure love on little simple things: you will prove me your love by doing simple things that will make my heart smile, and that’s how you will keep me in your life. Not by fucking my mood every day, and then one day you will give only to please my needs. That I don’t see as love.
As you can’t prove to a stupid person that it’s stupid, you can talk to a man about your issues for 9 days and on 10. he will do same stupid thing. The point is? -You are with the wrong man.
To the right one you will not have to give so much time talking about issues, because he will care enough to make you happy, so instead wasting every day on fights, you will have a chance to enjoy your happy days, filled with love.

Moral of the story: World is full of books to teach you how to act to be respected. As a “good girl” you will survive but only with the man who have deepest feelings for you. But how many you have dated until now and all stories finished the same? So, good girl thing keep for your husband and those toxic boys treat as they should be treated, before you lose 10kg and lose your health because you didn’t know how to deal with all that stress. More about toxic relationships you can read in my previous post and this post I will use as an ouverture to my next post where I will review previously mentioned books.

Stay healthy, stay home!
#coronagoaway

Bye, RetroGirls!

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Freedom from TR

Hello, my Retro Girls,

Today I will talk about toxic relationships, where I believe that a big percentage of you already experienced this. These are, I believe, worst types of relationships that can screw you mentally. I was lucky to have two serious relationships in my life, and both of them so toxic, that I really have a good experience on this topic, and I have a lot to say. It doesn’t mean if a relationship is not going well, or you don’t feel satisfy with it, that it’s toxic, but what you should know is, if you see yourself dealing with every step that I will put in next few rows, it means that you’re facing a toxic relationship:
-those who spread negativity
-those who criticize you all the time
-those who waste your time
-those who don’t appreciate your time
-those who make you feel insecure
-those who make you feel small, jealous
-those who play victim
-those who don’t care
-those who are self-centered
-those who keep disappointing you
_______________________________________
You found your partner as described? Then, yes, for sure, you are dealing with toxic person.

This post you can use as lyceum, to learn how to deal with this.
It all starts just like every other, normal relationship, but you cannot see end of it. Once, when you’re finally done with it that person becomes halation caused with numerous bad incidents, followed by sweetest apologies and promises that next time will be better! Okay. I know you’re confused now, let me start from beginning.

“Jealousy is a grievous passion that jealousy seeks what causes grief.”

So, you started dating this person, everything started so perfect, that’s the most caring and nurturing relationship you ever had. You both care about each other, showing your love and respect, sharing your time and everything is on right place.
Your first fights will come later, after you create habit of having this person near you. Fights will start when this person tries for the first time to control you, or otherwise, maybe you are that toxic person, each time one who makes a big deal over little things, trying to take control over your life, you will start to put your walls a little bit lower. You will not be able to realize it, during their apologies, promises that they will never do this again, and explanation that you should do this to please them, and it’s good for your relationship, you will do what you’re asked for. Fights will continue. Toxic person (you or them) will try to keep control over you, but in a mean time, they are losing they interest in you. Fight by fight, argument by argument, you will become a person that they wanted to create, you will lose your integrity and you will be controlled, even without noticing it, while that person will start doing all bad things that you’re not supposed to do in normal relationship. They will say that they are sorry, of course, when they realize that it’s not as it was with you, you are becoming so easy as a object that’s being controlled. After few negotiations, you will open those doors for them, and you will welcome them warmly into your private space again, even tho you spent nights sleepless worrying and looking after them. But again, you’re not realizing that you just gave them shelter from mad world, and a chance to destroy yours. Those thing will keep happening, but you are already under control, and all your emotions are focused on that one person. You don’t want to admit, but you are not confident as before, you feel jealous, you feel small. And besides all that, they are constantly asking for the proof that you’re there for them, they become more jealous, because if they lose you, they will lose their shelter, and if things go wrong they won’t have someone to open these doors for them, and you constantly have that thought in your mind that they are doing all this because they really truly love you.
After a while, when they leave you for a moment or two, to go and explore the world and chances, you will start thinking that’s your mistake, you will become so cheap for them- because, you will be the one who will go after them.
Either to fight that person, just to comfort yourself, and to try to win them back, and you will, after they finish with their “researches”, they will either way come back to you. You still don’t realize that those mountains that your carrying, you were supposed to climb.
That goes on and on for a while, when YOU finally realize what you’re going through.
We end up in toxic relationships because we don’t stand up for ourselves early on, when red flags occur. We let them slide because we fear losing a companion. How long do you let disrespect and neglect go? At some point, you have to develop healthy barriers for how you’re going to be treated.
Let me make this one clear, it doesn’t mean that the person who is toxic for you it will be for someone else, as well, some day they will love someone enough to prove them love without all those things they did to you. It doesn’t mean that they have no feelings for you, but obviously they don’t have them strong enough. The only way to try to get out that toxic place with the same person is to try to make your relationship healthy, BUT probably that won’t work. In your head they made an ideal picture of themselves, and in that picture you’re probably not worthy enough to stand up for yourself, so the healthiest decision is to leave them behind, no matter how hard it will be, you have to know that all those promises and apologies are just words, if they didn’t prove them by their actions (where I mean strongly actions, not those poor ones, just to keep you calm) , you have nothing to do there anymore.

Leaving this type of relationship is hardest, because it is not just leaving a person, it requires strong healing of your emotions, your insecurities, even the way how you see the world, detachment from all these, and gaining everything back, even yourself -who were you before your heart was broken.
-Only way, even tho everyone think it is childish, remove them from social medias, not because you’re trying to prove some point, it is because I KNOW and YOU know, you will stalk! Every little thing will bother you, you may even get angry and you will have this desire to text him/her, and you don’t want that
-Delete pictures, because in those lonely nights, when you can’t sleep you will keep looking at them, or you will receive that stupid notification “remember this day” and all what you did until now is lost
-Don’t text them. No matter how angry you get in the moment, or sad, or you’re maybe even crying… DON’T! Remember, if they cared, you wouldn’t have to go through all of this. Now is your chance to gain back your respect.
-DON’T start with DATING right away! You are confused now, phases that you’re going through are really, honestly difficult, and it seeks a lot of emotions and controlling them over. Besides everything, you had emotions, obviously, you are trying to heal and to forget. And you know what dating will do? It will make you feel even worse, because, you’re trying by force to push that out of your system, but it’s not going that way, you will just feel more cheap, and worse about yourself. Instead of raising your ego by taking attention from other people, try to have your respect and love first.
-TRY. I know you’re not really willing to do all those fun things now, and probably you feel like you wanna be alone, sleeping, crying, whatever, BUT, try. Step by step. Have a coffee with your friend, watch that comedy show, visit that gym. You will start feeling better. I promise. As a time pass by, you will start doing things because they make you happy. And there is where your healing process begins.
I know it seems now that you may never love like you loved, but you will. Because, we are all someone for someone, we all have our other half, we all belong to someone, just stop wasting your time, because your soulmate is still waiting somewhere for you. There are lessons to learn before you reach that person, because that’s the only way to make you appreciate what you have. If you did so many great things for toxic person, (forgiveness is the most expensive thing that you can give to someone, because it hurts so much), imagine what will you be able to do for someone who is meant to be your happiness and who will honestly appreciate that.

Escaping a toxic relationship can feel like breaking a piece of your heart off, like wolf chews it’s leg off to escape a steel trap. Leaving is never easy, but sometimes it is necessary to save yourself and others from dying inside.

Remember, God will never give you more that you can handle. Never. You’re a good person and this is not a punishment any kind. As soon as you realize that, healing process can start!

Have a nice and pleasant day, my girls!

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Princess and the frog

Before, whenever I felt bad, I used to write. I used to express my feelings, not knowing that was what made me feel better. Recently, I noticed that since I stopped doing it, it was way much harder to deal with them. So, tonight I felt need to express them in hope they will make me aware of situation I’ve been dealing with.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG, Princess Tiana (left, voice: Anika Noni Rose), 2009. ©Walt Disney Co./courtesy Everett Collection

It is a weird feeling, sometimes I walk around the house with all that thoughts on my mind that make perfect sense together, but the moment I sit down to write them, they disappear, either don’t make sense anymore. But during periods when I feel down, even if I don’t really have something to tell, it will just come, the same moment I start typing, it will come, word by word. Maybe that’s the reason why I usually don’t remember my posts until i reread them. Even now, I couldn’t fall asleep, and my new post is yet to come. While we are young, usually the only thing that can break us down is love (thank God). When I say “Thank God” it is because it is bearable. If you are religious type, you will understand that God will not give you more that you can handle, or if you not- in your life path you will not have barriers that you won’t be able to avoid, no matter how hard it may seem in the moment. I have double opinions when it comes to marriage and dating. Indeed, it seem to be so easy before when your parents find you a husband/wife, and you don’t even have to think about being heart-broken. But then, you will, also, never be able to spend your lifetime with someone who is destined for you. I adore my mother bravery when she choose to run from arranged marriage same night when they came to ask for her hand. She chose to run with my father, maybe risking her whole life happiness for temporary moment of joy. Then I knew how she thought when she explained to me “Maybe I would love my husband, maybe I would be happy with him, but I knew that I met your father for reason. And I fell madly in love with him, in short time. No matter how happy would I be with my husband, when I would always hate myself for leaving him behind. And it’s been hard, we had so many hard moments, but i never regretted. And I would chose him over and over again.” When she was in my age she already had a 2-year old son (my brother), and I am still sitting here and thinking why some things happen, and what is the reason behind? Sometimes, even I would like to just drop of everything and ask them to find me a husband.
But, seriously, dating in this century became way much harder then before. When I am listening to their stories I wish I was born in period before, when everything seemed to be so easier. Now, dating in so tiring, feeling like princess from that movie where she had to kiss so much frogs until she found her prince. Feels so hard to find a perfect person, where u feel so nice, comfortable, full, loved, respected and appreciated, and then just boom! Betrayed, maybe cheated, heart-broken, insecure, and again- going through the healing process, and starting all over again. Dating so many frogs until you find that one that gives you feeling that it may be your prince. How many times before people actually give up on love? How many times Carry and Big gave up on love before they actually get married? Whole 10 years, so many people in between, marriages with other people and then finally finished that story together. But the truth is, real ending of SATC is not the one that we saw, in real prescript they were not supposed to be together, but they didn’t wanted to kill other people (watchers) fantasies about true love that survives no matter what! It doesn’t. If you look at it from your perspective, they gave so much hard-times to each other. She wanted movie love, that no one had, and he wanted to be a man, you know, he didn’t wanted to commit. After so many tries to make him the one for her, she finally gives up on him, when she get engaged with Aiden. The moral of the story, for you, my dear girls- never give up on love, maybe it is hard sometimes, but respect yourself and seek respect. Even if it hurts, remember that is a lesson, something less that you will look for in your prince. And for you, my dear boys, while you’re boys, everything is allowed, but when you finally find your princess, make her never kiss another frog, and men up! Intentionally hurting her will eventually make her go away.

In this crazy world we are all destined for someone, and it is blessing to have someone holding your hand even when everything else is falling apart. Don’t waste your time on stupid theories, go for what your meant to.

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Regrets

In one month exactly will be one year since I moved. I left my country, my house, my family, friends and life that I had back then. Yesterday someone asked me, not related to this topic, “Do you have regrets?”.

My answer was “No”, but today I thought about it. Since I’m known as overthinker, whatever happens, I will think about it, at least I will remember it. Not everything is as it seems, but even until now, I had bad and good moments, no matter where, I did have them. It is not the first time that I am trying to change my life by changing the place of living, job and my surroundings. And I am sure that I will continue until I find a place where I feel that I belong to. Even my mother once said “With all that u’ve been trough in this past few years, I like that you never give up on your dreams”

And I did not, whatever happened, I tried to take it as positive as I could, so I wouldn’t regret anything. Whatever happened, happened because I wanted it. Even when I tried to be there for someone and I am the one who leave the story with pain, I don’t regret it. We all show eventually who we are, so, never regret anyone who hurt you. By the time, you will know why.

Long time ago, I regretted someone in my life. Back then, I didn’t really believed in KARMA, because as the time passing by, seeing that person happy after everything, it made me regret every minute spent in comforting them, being around, being something they never been to me. It’s been years since then, first I’ve heard that something bad is happening to that person, and later on it was confirmed after reaching me and telling me all about it. Even though it’s been years, I knew why it is happening, and I knew why they reached me. I don’t like seeing people suffering, but in this one I found a lesson. No matter when, everything you do, will come back to you, this or that way.

As I am getting older, I found a lot of these situations, and been through a lot of them, but in the end thankful because it didn’t changed who I am. I don’t regret anything in my life because all the situations made me who I am, thought me lessons which u can’t learn at the school. Life lessons. Lot of them thought me what I never want to be, and how it looks to be like that in the eye of viewer. It doesn’t matter where will I end up in life, as long as I know that I won’t settle until I’m fully happy because I deserve to be. At least, I know that my grandkids will have amazing stories about their grandma. And hopefully, I will teach them real life values, so they don’t stuck with bad experiences, and let them to change who they actually are. We all have life stories, and I’ll make mine worth of reading.

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Pismo Miri

Moja Miro,

već je po ko zna koja godina da nas nisi obišla. Znam da puno radiš i da nemaš više vremena, ali otac ti je zabrinut, sve rijeđe zoveš. Stalno me pita “Je li ti se javljala, je li zvala?”
Miro, uvijek si govorila da nas nećeš zaboraviti, da ćeš stalno dolaziti i da ćeš pisati.
A i mama, znaš nju, žali što unuče ne viđa. Stalno lista njezine slike i govori: “Nenina sultanija”. Znaš, oni stvarno teško podnose tvoje odsustvo, iako to više ovdje među našim narodom nije čudno. Pišu se pjesme, tekstovi, knjige i još mnogo toga na temu odlaska. Ljudi stalno odlaze, o tome se puno priča. Miro, znam i ja da si vjerovatno zauzeta, curica, posao, muž, ali nazovi malo  češće, razumi da je njihova kuća ostala prazna. Nisam te razumjela kada si odlazila, čak sam se pomalo i ljutila što svoj život pakuješ u kofer i odlaziš, tražeći sreću daleko od nas. Razumi sada ti mene, bila sam mala, nisam shvatala onako kako sada, kada i ja pakujem kofere, shvatam. Miro, mnogo mi je teže otići nego što je to tebi bilo, ti si mene ostavila sa njima, a ja sad ostavljam svoja dva najveća oslonca da bih pronašla sebe i svoju sreću. Miro, odgojili su djecu da ne bi ostarili sami, a gledaj kako ih ostavljamo kada im najviše trebamo. Neki dan sam baš ispratila Senadu i Semira u Njemačku, kažu da su im našli poslove tamo, da bi mogli imati dobre plate, pa odoše. A, javi mi se i Nedžad često, kaže tamo gdje je on, ima puno naših, toliko čak da se često osjeća kao da je u Bosni. Majda i Samir su završili fakultete u Austriji, pa su i ostali tamo. Benjo i Sara su još uvijek u Holandiji, dobili su i bebu, slala mi je slike, mrka, baš na Benju. Društvo se rasulo po svijetu, samo se Lejla vratila. Kaže mi: “Ja sam, bona, došla tebe da ispratim, ti si nas sve pratila.”
Znam da se čovjek na sve navikne, pričala si mi koliko si plakala kada si tek otišla. Sjećam se ja, često si dolazila prije, sada već godinama nisi, pretpostavljam da si se navikla i da manje plačeš.

Drago mi je što si našla ono za čim ja tek krećem u potragu, ali žao mi je što nas daljina pobjeđuje. Kada više ne znaš šta se dešava u životu nekog tvog. Žalosno je, rekla bih, i to što kada sam dobila svoja krila odlazim nebom pod oblake i što kada mi zatreba oslonac i rame za plakanje, bit ću sama u tuđini, sada ću konačno shvatiti kroz šta si prošla. Ali, od svega najviše, Miro, boli što kada najbitnijim ljudima u mom životu neću biti tu kada im trebam, a koji mene nikad nisu ostavili samu kada sam ja trebala njih.
Sad te, Miro, razumijem.

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Keep it real

Ovaj post, zapravo, ni sama ne znam kako da počnem. Imam o čemu, imam dosta toga za reći, no ne znam kako započeti. Svaki put dilema oko toga, ali me uvijek podsjeti na onu: “Svaki početak je težak”,  da li je? Evo, vidim da jeste. Dva sata poslije ponoći sjedim i razmišljam kako bih kazala sve što imam, a pri tome postigla i poentu kod ljudi koji budu čitali. Kroz sve moje postove ste imali djelić makar mene, makar nešto čime bi dokučili kakva sam osoba. Srećom, dosta ljudi koji čitaju  me poznaju i lično, pa su neke stvari jasnije. Iskreno, svaki od postova je označio moj neki događaj, koji pamtim zbog ko zna čega. I sama ih često zaboravim, pa kad pročitam, sjetim se i što sam napisala baš to što jesam.

Ni ovaj neće biti ništa drugačiji, i ovaj je započet kako bih izrazila sve ono što nisam kad sam trebala, jer tome nisam vidjela smisao. Nekad je bolje ljude pustiti da misle šta hoće, a mirne glave leći u krevet. Moja najveća mana je, nakon toliko vremena kontam, to što ostajem nedorečena. U trenutku shvatim da nema poente išta da govorim, a obično saslušam/pročitam sve što druga strana ima da kaže, ali ja sve svoje misli ne mogu tako izbaciti iz svojih usta. Neko sam ko je shvatio koliko riječ nekad znači, kako loša, tako i dobra, i da nesvjesno možeš dovesti do nečega samo zato što moraš na taj način izbaciti bijes iz sebe. U nekim situacijama, radije bih oprostila fizički kontakt nego neke nepromišljeno izgovorene riječi. Ljudi moji, nakon konverzacije koju sam prije par sati imala sa jednim zatvorenim umom, vođenim testosteronima, vrlo načitanim i širokog vokabulara, shvatila sam da nisu ni ljudi koji raspolažu velikim fondom riječi, niti ljudi koji čitaju nešto da bi bilo pročitano, pametni. Ljudi koji se usude da te uvrijede su ljudi koji na taj način liječe komplekse. Mnogi od vas koji ovo čitaju, mene poznaju uživo, ali tako i dosta vas zna da mene pričom ne možete “uhvatiti”. Djela i samo djela! Ja hoću da imam nekog u dobru i zlu, a ne nekoga ko je tu jer nema gdje. Ja, barem, znam razliku kad je neko tu što želi da bude, a ne zato što nema gdje, ili mu je dosadno. Ja mogu biti najbolja i najgora, na vama je kako se postavite, jer sam tip “Kako ti meni, tako ja tebi”. Ali ne očekujem da muškarac pred mene postavlja svoju najbolju verziju, da tokom veze saznajem sve što nije, njegovo je da mi kaže šta je i kako, moje je da to prihvatim ili ne. Dijete sam ljudi koji su čitav život radili zanatske poslove da bi meni i bratu obezbijedili sve što smo poželjeli. Moj otac je odustao od fakulteta da bi svome ocu pomogao u odgoju četvorice mlađe braće. A moja mama je žena koja je odrasla na selu, te poslije srednje škole odmah počela raditi. Ja se toga nikad nisam stidila, niti ću ikad jer ti ljudi su dali sve za nas. Posvećeni su poslu, porodici. Mi smo im bili sve za šta su se borili. Zaista jesu, divni su to ljudi, ali nešto na čemu im nikad neću moći dovoljno zahvaliti, napravili su od mene nekog ko je svjestan pravih vrijednosti u životu. U današnjem dobu dočekam da budem “popljuvana” zbog tog, jer pobogu ne nudim “kvalitetne” osobine da bih zadržala muškarca, to mi jedan reče, s kojim sam ČAK dva puta izašla. Srećom, ne tražim dječačića, kojeg bih na taj način morala zadržati i plakati u sobi jer provodi vrijeme s nekom koja ima nešto kvalitetnije… No, tražim muškarca koji će u meni prepoznati moje prave kvalitete, pa samim time i kad prođe sa mnom kroz grad da se ne stidi. Da ne mora razmišljati kako ću ja vaspitati njegovu djecu i da li će se toga morati stiditi. Prije tri godine, odustala sam od udaje i našla svoj prvi posao. Od fakulteta nikad nisam odustala i aBd iduće godine ga završavam. Ali, svjesno sam tu gdje jesam, jer moja udaja bi prije tri godine bila nešto što bi me ubijalo iz dana u dan, zbog sve ambicije koju nosim u sebi. Jedna sam od onih koja zna šta hoće od života, ali još nisam spala na to da do svojih ciljeva dolazim prečicama. U “Pahulji”, autobiografskoj knjizi, koju evo najavljujem godinu dana, ćete moći sa mnom proći sav taj put, pa možda i naučiti nešto na mojim greškama. Nažalost, Pahulja će biti izdata tek krajem iduće godine, aBd, obzirom na moj novi posao koji će me držati malo dalje od Bosne, ali eto jedna više godina da je učinim još zanimljivijom. Ovaj post se razlikuje od drugih, očito, jer manje pametujem, ali imam u cilju da makar jednoj osobi koja pročita promijenim makar neko mišljenje o nečemu. Pobogu, nismo svi isti, ne bi ni valjalo da imamo ista mišljenja. Ali, opet, žene moje, žene ste, budite svjesne sebe. Kažu mi često “Jesi se ti opekla, pa si takva”. Nije to ni do kakve opekotine, nego sam postala svjesna sebe. Posvetila se sebi. Imam dosta da ponudim, ali  neću nekome ko ne zna šta bi od sebe, kamo li od mene, ili ko mi ne parira, u svakom smislu. Budite lijepe, obrazovane, trenirajte, sunčajte se, učite nove jezike, nađite sebi posao, uživajte u životu, ne vrti se cijeli svijet oko ljubavi. Ona sama dođe. Kad se udate, da vam ne budu jedine uspomene momci koje ste imali u godinama prije. Ne propustite možda pravog, jer niste ono što se očekuje. Ne budite dostupne svima. Ne spuštajte sebi cijenu. Ne zavidite drugoj što je bolja u bilo kojem smislu, nego poradite na sebi, nije do nje, do vas je. U današnje doba sve nas je manje.

I u meni samoj se često lome dvije ličnosti, i ja imam želje, i ja imam misli, i ja imam potrebe, ali naučena sam samokontroli, koja me spasila etiketiranja. Nije nas svako vrijedan, a onaj ko jeste, sami ćete znati. A svaki gubitak je neka lekcija, kasnije u životu skontamo kakva. Vrlo bitno je samo skontati ko je čiji gubitak, nekada toga nismo svjesni na početku zbog načina na koji ljudi odlaze. Kasnije možda shvatite da nisu oni vaš gubitak, nego vi njihove. Držite se toga, žene moje.

 

 

Laku noć,
…. and remember: Trust no one!
-RetroGirl640-

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Ne nosi marke, budi marka

Nijedna pjesma nije dobra kao ona u kojoj pronađeš sebe. Situaciju kroz koju prolaziš ili si prošao. To ti dovoljno govori, da nijedna situacija nije bezizlazna, jer to što prolaziš neko negdje je već prošao. Došao je dobar vakat, vakat za ljude bez obraza.FB_IMG_1467972891968

U dosadašnjim postovima sam, uistinu dosta puta napominjala da svoj krug prijatelja svedete na onoliko koliko mislite da vam treba, nije svako prijatelj ko vam se nasmiješi i s kim kafu pijete. Dosta ljudi, ne samo prijatelja, nego čak i onih s kojima započinjete svoje emotivne veze, predstavi se kako vi želite da ih vidite, njihovo pravo lice upoznate vremenom. Neovisno o tome da li je suprotnost onome što ste upoznali na početku, vi birate da li ćete ostati ili otići, da li ćete prihvatiti mane i nastaviti vašu priču ili ćete odlučiti da krenete dalje sami. Svi mi možete potvrditi, ako ste naravno imali vezu koja je potrajala duže od mjesec dana, da ništa nije kao na početku. Što je logično, zona komforta nastaje, što je nekada dobro, nekada nije. Kako u prijateljstvu, kako u vezama, tako i u familijarnoj povezanosti, vjerovatno i sami imate nekog člana porodice sa kojima nemate dobre odnose ili možda čak niti komunikaciju. Jednom kad postanete svjesni sebe, nećete dozvoliti da vam drugi određuju vrijednost.
Riječ hipokrit je danas primila važan značaj u našem narodu, licemjerje. Hipokrit je riječ koja porijeklom dolazi iz Grčke, ali ovdje je toliko česta, jer se gleda uglavnom korist među ljudima, a to nas kvari. Kada pričam o koristi, napominjem, ne pričam samo o materijalnoj, bitno je spomenuti i emotivnu korist. I sami ste čuli ili bili u situaciji da ste s nekim jer vam fali pažnja, da s nekim izađete jer niste imali s kim, to je emotivna korist, barem je ja tako gledam. A zašto? Zašto se ljudi danas boje samoće? Zašto vam treba bilo ko da ne biste bili depresivni kada ostanete sami. To su trenuci kada spoznajete sebe i vidite do kojih granica možete doći, kada skontate da mnogo toga možete, jer imate nekoga ko vjeruje u vas! To ste vi! Čije još odobravanje trebate?
Ništa mi gore nema od ljudi koji od tebe zahtjevaju nešto na šta ni sami nisu spremni. Ništa gore od besposlenih ljudi, kojima je život toliko dosadan da im vrhunac dana bude komentarisati druge- šta, ko, gdje, s kim. Takve sam morala eliminisati iz svog društva jer su mi stvarali previše negativne energije. Vama savjetujem isto, nevjerovatno je koliko se razlika primjeti kad odbaciš od sebe nekoga ko je tu, jer nema gdje biti.
Ako se pronađete, ako ovo čitate, hoću da vam kažem i da ste toksični.

Postaviti nivo više nije izdizanje, kao što je to nekada bivalo, ali ne dopustiti sebi da vam nečije pristustvo stvara nervozu, negativnu energiju i uz to sve, spušta cijenu. Treba da se posvetite sebi, svojim ciljevima, a vaša vrijednost time raste. Kad skontate da do svakog cilja koji vrijedi nečemu, morate mnogo da se potrudite nećete dozvoliti sebi tako nešto. ALI, ako ste jedni od onih koji traže jednu stvar, a i sami radite drugačije, zahtjevate poštovanje a ne poštujete, zahtjevate vjernost a nevjerni ste, zahtjevate ljubav a ne pružate je, zahtjevate iskrenost a lažete, mijenjajte se, jer ćete nesvjesno pasti na niske grane i morati uzeti što vam se nudi, a sami znate da ste mogli bolje.

Na kraju krajeva, postanite najbolja verzija sebe, a ono najbolje dolazi najboljima, ne budite prosjek, izdignite se iznad situacije, ne nosite marke, budite marka!

Laku noć,
RetroGirl640.
-TrustNoOne-

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Poziv iz prošlosti ?!

“K’o Sibir ledena, gledaš ne vidiš, ja se neću vratiti. Valentino je noćas zadnji put samo na tvom radiju.” 

Valentino

Svejedno da li ste vjernik, ateist, agnostik, i tako.. Svi se jednom zapitaju i iznenade činjenicom da neka viša sila zaista postoji. Ja sam jedna od onih vjerujem, ali volim da znam. Ostala sam iznenađena kada mi je jedna gospođa rekla sve o meni, čak i moje najveće strahove i istine iznijela pred mene. Rekla mi je da je ušla u moju glavu i da je to sve u mojoj glavi. Čak i neke na koje sam zaboravila i sama.

Dijelom je vidjela i neke stvari iz moje budućnosti, koje sam i očekivala, no svejedno, kako? Interesovalo me to uvijek, kako neko može takve stvari? Impresivno, koliko god se i sama bojim toga, divim se činjenici da među nama postoje takvi ljudi, sve dok svoje “moći” ne koriste kako nam ne bi pomoglo, u ovom čudnom, strašnom svijetu.
Dosta toga što mi je rekla me potaklo da dalje mnogo, mnogo razmišljam o svom životu.
Ali šta kad prošlost pozove?
Razmišljam o problemima koje imam sad, korijen vuku još iz prošlosti. I u pravu je gospođa. Poenta i riješenje problema koje imam danas jeste da s prošlosti treba završiti kako treba, ne možemo ostaviti nikoga u svojoj prošlosti, pa ni samoga sebe- nedorečenog. Možda bi to promijenilo ishod, neku promjenu u budućnosti napravilo. Ali sad ste u jednom mjestu, tapkate? Muči vas nešto ili neko iz prošlosti? Krenuli biste dalje, ali ne možete? Bilo ko da je u pitanju, možete. Ako ste ostali nedorečeni, kažite, tačku ne možete staviti na već postojeće tri. Ali ako niste u mogućnosti riješiti to s tom osobom, pokušajte sami sa sobom. Napišite pismo u kom ćete iznijeti sve što imate da kažete i ostavite ga negdje sa strane. Ako ni to ne pomaže, pokušajte naći način da sebe oslobodite tereta. Moj glavni problem je što nisam bila u mogućnosti reći šta trebam. Nisam mogla skinuti paravan između. Na moju žalost, u pitanju je više osoba i upravo me to progoni i dan danas, iz nekih starih razloga ne mogu da se sredim. Možda previše vremena posvetim razmišljanju o tome, ali definitivno najgore što može ostati za tobom jeste ono neizgovoreno. Možda i druga strana nema zaključak na sve, jer mu fali to nešto. Budućnost, barem u našoj zemlji, nije toliko svijetla, ali je možemo učiniti barem na kratko, očistiti repove iza sebe i dalje krenuti sa osmijehom i “čistom” glavom. Situacije svi smo svjesni, sve više nas se za dijasporu sprema. Još jedan razlog da u novi život krenete bez repova iz prošlosti, da novi život bude nov u svakom smislu.

Između ostalog, pisma su uvijek dobra ideja, ako imate nekome nešto za reći, a nemate hrabrosti, jer je vrijeme dokazivanja i ismijavanja, napišite to pismo i sakrijte. Jedna stara žena mi je prije par godina, nakon što sam raskinula s jednim momkom rekla “Napiši mu pismo i ostavi na vrata”. I jesam, napisala sam, ali mu ga nikad nisam dala. Pomoglo mi je jer sam mu u njemu rekla sve što sam imala, a otišla sam dalje. Skoro sam ga našla i zapalila, jer sam osjećala da je to poglavlje zatvoreno. Poruke nisu način, jedino ako vi sami mislite da emociju možete iskazati porukom na FB, VB ili drugoj društvenoj mreži (što meni djeluje posve neozbiljno), onda okay. Međutim, koliko će vas i kako shvatiti osoba koja tu poruku primi.. ne znam baš.

Sve što vas muči, riješite, naš život je prekratak da bi razmišljali o stvarima koje nas muče, a na koje ne možemo uticati. Uživajmo u ovom životu i vremenu.

Laku noć!
-Trust no one!- 

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