Hello, my Retro Girls,
Today I will talk about toxic relationships, where I believe that a big percentage of you already experienced this. These are, I believe, worst types of relationships that can screw you mentally. I was lucky to have two serious relationships in my life, and both of them so toxic, that I really have a good experience on this topic, and I have a lot to say. It doesn’t mean if a relationship is not going well, or you don’t feel satisfy with it, that it’s toxic, but what you should know is, if you see yourself dealing with every step that I will put in next few rows, it means that you’re facing a toxic relationship:
-those who spread negativity
-those who criticize you all the time
-those who waste your time
-those who don’t appreciate your time
-those who make you feel insecure
-those who make you feel small, jealous
-those who play victim
-those who don’t care
-those who are self-centered
-those who keep disappointing you
You found your partner as described? Then, yes, for sure, you are dealing with toxic person.
This post you can use as lyceum, to learn how to deal with this.
It all starts just like every other, normal relationship, but you cannot see end of it. Once, when you’re finally done with it that person becomes halation caused with numerous bad incidents, followed by sweetest apologies and promises that next time will be better! Okay. I know you’re confused now, let me start from beginning.
“Jealousy is a grievous passion that jealousy seeks what causes grief.”
So, you started dating this person, everything started so perfect, that’s the most caring and nurturing relationship you ever had. You both care about each other, showing your love and respect, sharing your time and everything is on right place.
Your first fights will come later, after you create habit of having this person near you. Fights will start when this person tries for the first time to control you, or otherwise, maybe you are that toxic person, each time one who makes a big deal over little things, trying to take control over your life, you will start to put your walls a little bit lower. You will not be able to realize it, during their apologies, promises that they will never do this again, and explanation that you should do this to please them, and it’s good for your relationship, you will do what you’re asked for. Fights will continue. Toxic person (you or them) will try to keep control over you, but in a mean time, they are losing they interest in you. Fight by fight, argument by argument, you will become a person that they wanted to create, you will lose your integrity and you will be controlled, even without noticing it, while that person will start doing all bad things that you’re not supposed to do in normal relationship. They will say that they are sorry, of course, when they realize that it’s not as it was with you, you are becoming so easy as a object that’s being controlled. After few negotiations, you will open those doors for them, and you will welcome them warmly into your private space again, even tho you spent nights sleepless worrying and looking after them. But again, you’re not realizing that you just gave them shelter from mad world, and a chance to destroy yours. Those thing will keep happening, but you are already under control, and all your emotions are focused on that one person. You don’t want to admit, but you are not confident as before, you feel jealous, you feel small. And besides all that, they are constantly asking for the proof that you’re there for them, they become more jealous, because if they lose you, they will lose their shelter, and if things go wrong they won’t have someone to open these doors for them, and you constantly have that thought in your mind that they are doing all this because they really truly love you.
After a while, when they leave you for a moment or two, to go and explore the world and chances, you will start thinking that’s your mistake, you will become so cheap for them- because, you will be the one who will go after them.
Either to fight that person, just to comfort yourself, and to try to win them back, and you will, after they finish with their “researches”, they will either way come back to you. You still don’t realize that those mountains that your carrying, you were supposed to climb.
That goes on and on for a while, when YOU finally realize what you’re going through.
We end up in toxic relationships because we don’t stand up for ourselves early on, when red flags occur. We let them slide because we fear losing a companion. How long do you let disrespect and neglect go? At some point, you have to develop healthy barriers for how you’re going to be treated.
Let me make this one clear, it doesn’t mean that the person who is toxic for you it will be for someone else, as well, some day they will love someone enough to prove them love without all those things they did to you. It doesn’t mean that they have no feelings for you, but obviously they don’t have them strong enough. The only way to try to get out that toxic place with the same person is to try to make your relationship healthy, BUT probably that won’t work. In your head they made an ideal picture of themselves, and in that picture you’re probably not worthy enough to stand up for yourself, so the healthiest decision is to leave them behind, no matter how hard it will be, you have to know that all those promises and apologies are just words, if they didn’t prove them by their actions (where I mean strongly actions, not those poor ones, just to keep you calm) , you have nothing to do there anymore.
Leaving this type of relationship is hardest, because it is not just leaving a person, it requires strong healing of your emotions, your insecurities, even the way how you see the world, detachment from all these, and gaining everything back, even yourself -who were you before your heart was broken.
-Only way, even tho everyone think it is childish, remove them from social medias, not because you’re trying to prove some point, it is because I KNOW and YOU know, you will stalk! Every little thing will bother you, you may even get angry and you will have this desire to text him/her, and you don’t want that
-Delete pictures, because in those lonely nights, when you can’t sleep you will keep looking at them, or you will receive that stupid notification “remember this day” and all what you did until now is lost
-Don’t text them. No matter how angry you get in the moment, or sad, or you’re maybe even crying… DON’T! Remember, if they cared, you wouldn’t have to go through all of this. Now is your chance to gain back your respect.
-DON’T start with DATING right away! You are confused now, phases that you’re going through are really, honestly difficult, and it seeks a lot of emotions and controlling them over. Besides everything, you had emotions, obviously, you are trying to heal and to forget. And you know what dating will do? It will make you feel even worse, because, you’re trying by force to push that out of your system, but it’s not going that way, you will just feel more cheap, and worse about yourself. Instead of raising your ego by taking attention from other people, try to have your respect and love first.
-TRY. I know you’re not really willing to do all those fun things now, and probably you feel like you wanna be alone, sleeping, crying, whatever, BUT, try. Step by step. Have a coffee with your friend, watch that comedy show, visit that gym. You will start feeling better. I promise. As a time pass by, you will start doing things because they make you happy. And there is where your healing process begins.
I know it seems now that you may never love like you loved, but you will. Because, we are all someone for someone, we all have our other half, we all belong to someone, just stop wasting your time, because your soulmate is still waiting somewhere for you. There are lessons to learn before you reach that person, because that’s the only way to make you appreciate what you have. If you did so many great things for toxic person, (forgiveness is the most expensive thing that you can give to someone, because it hurts so much), imagine what will you be able to do for someone who is meant to be your happiness and who will honestly appreciate that.
Escaping a toxic relationship can feel like breaking a piece of your heart off, like wolf chews it’s leg off to escape a steel trap. Leaving is never easy, but sometimes it is necessary to save yourself and others from dying inside.
Remember, God will never give you more that you can handle. Never. You’re a good person and this is not a punishment any kind. As soon as you realize that, healing process can start!
Have a nice and pleasant day, my girls!